My Life As A Male Feminist

I wake up every morning ready to fight off the gender values men like me place on woman; contemplating if my existence slows down what strides women have made so far with their rights. First thing I have to do, make sure I know how to make breakfast. I want every one of my future partners to know that I can provide them with breakfast in bed every morning, as a man, I am required to develop this skill. I cook whatever they want, however they want, and exactly what temperature they want it at; treat me like a Starbucks drive through because I want to be as helpful as possible. I don’t know how I will get you your venti mocha + match iced coffee with a caramel drizzle, made with oat milk from Russia and exactly 112.2 degrees Celsius, but I want to be helpful to woman so I will. 

I hate work. I go their to work myself to death every day, putting more effort than anyone else, but I still make more money than my colleague Becky, who needs to spend 2 hours talking about her horrible boyfriend who forgot to text her “Good morning love <3” like he always does?! How could he be so ignorant to her feelings, men should really prioritize their time better. They shouldn’t make women work as much as men, and also increase their wages; the inequality is just astonishing to me. It wouldn’t make sense to equalize the gender gap through fair policy and hard-work, I think because Becky goes through more problems than men she should make more.

Time to buy groceries. I know everything about the grocery store, I could say it’s a second home. The veggies are located on aisle 8. The snacks are located on aisle 7; however, most importantly, the menstrual products are located on controversial aisle 6 (I don't gag at tampons btw); it’s horrible that these products are priced so high; they should be marginalized so the business can make the least profit possible, but they should still make an abundance for all woman to have, even without the profits to do so. I am always in this aisle, making sure I can take record of the best products to buy for my future partner, so they can never worry about themselves. Why would they need to worry about themselves? As a man that's a feminist, I need to treat them like queens. I am just a dirty stepping stone for them to reach their highest potential. 

Dinner time! I made a pretty normal meal of spaghetti like I usually do. It took me about 30 mins to make, but I understand the blood sweat and tears it took to make this meal. I opened up the pre-packaged spaghetti made by under-payed workers and put it in some boiling water for it to cook. Then I opened the packaged marinara sauce and poured it over my spaghetti and send it off for my "ungrateful" family to eat. It's shocking that women are, sometimes, expected to do this in a relationship. Why would they need to do anything for the benefit of their family? Kim Kardashian never cooks on the Kardashians, so why should women?

Now I go to bed, thinking if my work today was any use to women. Probably not, because according to most women, "men are useless"; however, I am a feminist, so maybe I have some use, maybe I am valuable to our modern day queens. Time to start fresh tomorrow. 

What should I make her for breakfast?

My Sperm is Useless according to this article

*STRICTLY SATIRE, NOT MY OPINIONS